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Onion

A young Onion

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Lucas "Onion" Charleston (Born Defebuary 76th 1978) is a banjo player, singer, screamer, religious leader, cult leader, psychopathic muderer, sex offender, cool cat born in Sweden during the outbreak of the Mandalorian Wars. Lucas is currently a member of the popular 80s Buddhist Mathcore duo 8! FOLD! PATH! Lucas owns only one banjo which was handcfrafted by band friend Jesus "Jew" Christ out of T-Rex leather and magic tree leaves. Lucas' banjo style is often described as quite eratic but sexual arousing at the same time. One music critic refered to his style as, "A cross between Thurston Moore and Van Halen." Lucas' standard tuning is S-E-X his banjo only has 3 strings. Lucas is also known for frequently changing his religious views due to misionaries and his extremly guilible personality.

The many religions of Onion

Lucas was born in Sweden to an animist family and he expressed a hatred towards the Christian religion that followed him into adulthood. But on a trip to Russia he was convinced by a local shop owner named Paul Ding to convert to Macedonian Catholocism. This only fueled his hatred towards the Catholic Church. Then he was converted to Islam untill he found out of the obsenities performed to his banjo by their most prized profit, Muhammed. Lucas then decided to ditch religion and be Atheist. Lucas was happy being Atheist until he was approached by a man with an offer he couldnt refuse. The man told him that if he converted to Judaism then he would live a happy life and would go to heaven! Lucas was a bit weary at first but then he thought, "whats the worst that could happen" and converted. Little did he know he wasnt really joing the jewish religion he was joining a violent cult that pretended to be judaism to attract more people. The cults actualy name was drugism and it was very crazy and filled with drugs and prostitutes. Lucas liked his new cult and was well respected by cult members new and old. He soon rose through the ranks and became a very high ranking cult leader in drugism. Lucas then began to question drugisms preachings of partying and drugs. He brought his concerns to the highest cult authority Tom Cruise of Bethlehem. Mr. Cruise did not like Lucas questioning his teachings and what started as a simple concern turned into a violent brawl with Lucas coming out on top, crowning himself king of drugism. People liked Lucas at first but then he started to change things like when he banned the use of crystal meth in the meeting house. Lucas was kicked out of drugism as the members threw onions at him and called him a stupid onion. This is where his nickname "Onion" comes from. Lucas was lost and alone so he decided to take a trip to Israel where he ended up converting to the actual religion of Judaism, his 6th belief system. Lucas liked this religion until he was made fun of by the Romans. This made him flee Israel for the state of California where he joined the church of Satanism. this was Lucas' 7th belief system and he fit right in with the Satanist. He finally thought that he was done constantly switching his religion for once, but then he was mugged by a van of Hindu smugglers. The smugglers told him of the caste system and that if he didn't complete his dharma he would be re-encarnated over and over again. Lucas didnt want that to happen and is a very guilable person so he converted quickly to his 8th belief system, Hinduism. Lucas never really wanted to be a Hindu but he was scared of being reencarnated so he went along. Then, one day he was told by a japanese man that Hinduism was wrong and boy was he relieved. This made him question his notion of reality and start to follow the religion of Shintoism. Then he got made fun of for having his eyes so wide open all the time and he ran away and ran into an old friend, Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise told him that Drugism fell apart due to infighting over the title of best dressed and he was forced to find a new religion. He couldnt find one so he settled for the cult of scientology. Lucas, being very guilable gave it a try, then when he actualy looked into it he laughed and left. Tom swore he would have his revenge. Lucas then fled to Russia where he met a group of people who called themselves the The Skoptsy. they were strange people who cut off thier males balls and thier ladies boobies. Lucas joined the sect untill he found out they were Christian. He ran all day and all night and ended up passing out in Iraq. He woke up surrounded by people, dogs, and desert sharks. The people and dogs told him of the great religion of Mandaeism and he soon converted and became a devout Mansaeist. He spent his time praying and hunting land sharks in the Arabian Desert of Serbia. Lucas grew tired of his faith and decided to give another a try. He kept walking untill he ended up at the Fire Temple in Iran where he learned of his 13th religion Zoroastrianism. Lucas spent his free time in the Fire Temple reading the Gathas over and over again until it grew to bore him. He wanted something more exciting then Zoroastrianism, so he went out in search of a 14th religion. He went back to New York to join the Nuwaubianism monement that was sweaping the Nation of Canada. Lucas liked the ways of the Nuwaubianism followers who thought that Richard Nixon rose the anti-christ who is now living in Belgium and that Disco was made by the devil. Then, the sun rose and the Nuwaubianists found out Lucas was white so they told him to leave and that he couldnt suck thier blood. Lucas was devistated, he had finaly found a religion that was reasonable and that he felt he belonged to, but he was kicked out for being white. The movement in Canada made life for a white man hard so Lucas left New York for Idaho. Lucas decided to join the Church of Euthanasia but was soon kicked out for not killing himself. Then one day while in a bar Lucas met a man from the island of Tanna who told him of the glorious religion of The Prince Phillip Movement. they believed that Prince Phillip was divine. Lucas' new religion did not last long because later that night Lucas converted to Buddhism out of respect for Ryan Chavez's beautiful voice. Lucas later latered left Buddhism to form his 18th and current religion Bormanism (or Muddhism if your in California) which combined Buddhism and Mormanism.

Parties, Drugs and shit like that

Though Lucas usualy goes by his nickname of Onion he has many other. One of these nicknames is JOEEEEE and he got it from his days of partying with Madonna and Joe Biden. Lucas was invited to all the partied because he played the banjo and had a big pencil that he carried around everywhere. One day joe Biden stole his pencil and he screamed JOEEEEE, thus the nickname was born. but you dont care about that so ill tell you about the parties now. Lucas constantly threw parties on his far in Idaho and he invited people like Madonna, The Pope, Jesus "Jew" Christ, Darth Vader, Yoda, Serj Tankian, Rody Walker, and many others. These parties often involved crazy party stuff like drugs and alcoholic drinks like vodka. Lucas did all of them ranging from Heroin to Dolphin Scalez. Lucas' parties were the best parties on the Planet coming in second in the solar system to SOraht on Venus and coming in 56th in the galaxy sue to the lack party drugs on earth compared to the rest of the Galaxy. This didnt stop aliens like Tom Cruise from coming to the parties. Soon the parties got too big for Lucas to handle on his small farm so he bought the state of indionapollis so that he would have enough space for everyone.

Rise to Power

Lucas didnt realize that in bying Indionapollis he also bought all of its dept to Prussia and the USSR totaling $45,665555,5,44.6654754. Lucas didnt care because he was too busy partying all the time. The parties were crazy, but there was no longer any government so things got out of hand sometimes. Then one day, Lucas had an idea, he decided to amass an army and take control as dictator for life. Lucas' army was composed of a bunch of really drunk party animals so they were very unpredictable and hard to fight. Not everyone was happy with Lucas as a dictator so Tom Cruise decided to team up with Jesus and Madonna and form the 18th triumvirate. This marked the begining of the war of the roses part VI. The first battle of this war was in Franfaurt where the 18th Triumvirate (ET) attacked a bar in which Lucas' army, the Forces Under Control pf the King (FUCK), where having a meeting. The forces of ET outnumberd FUCK, but that didn't stop FUCK from putting up a fight and forcing ET out of their bar. The casualties were many on both side, but it showed the public that FUCK was the dominant power in Indionapollis. ET was discouraged by this devastating loss so Jesus called a meeting of its leaders. Little did they know, Jesus had realized that they have no chance and agreed to secretly work for FUCK as a top secret spy. Jesus told Cruise and Madonna that they had to attack Lucas farm directly as Lucas fortified his farm with all his defenses and all of his forces. The next day ET attacked the farm and were severly outnumberd and were defeated easily. During the battle Jesus was exposed as the spy he really was and Tom Cruise tried to kill him, but failed because Lucas stabbed him in the back just in time. Then, Jesus asked for a share of Lucas' power and was swiftly taken prisoner by Lucas' private squad, the Super Hyper Insider Troops (SHIT). Jesus was taken deep inside Lucas' farm to the secret SHIT room where only the most elite FUCK soldiers were permitted. Lucas kept Jesus imprisoned finding him a threat to his power, spareing his life because he knew he would only be resurected with magic powers. Lucas then exiled Madonna and the broken pieces of what was once ET. Lucas now thought that FUCK was uncontested in the absolute rule of Indionapollis but he was unaware of one thing, Madonna took the ashes of the fallen ET and made a three way alliance with Prussia and the USSR forming the League of Prussia the USSR and Madonna (LoPtUaM). Madonna wanted rule of Indionapollis and Prussia and the USSR wanted thier fucking money. Lucas was unaware of what was happening outside his boarders because he was too busy basking in the glory of his glorious victory over ET that only took 2 battles that happened over the course of 1 week. With Jesus imprisoned Tom Cruise dead, and Madonna exiled all of the people who didnt support Lucas had given up all hope in removing him from power. Feeling secure Lucas decided to not spend any money on his army and instead blow it all on coke. This decision proved to make life very difficult for Lucas in the long run.

War with LoPtUaM

Or did they? Onion's coke problem was getting bad. He had speant most of hos Empire's money on coke and the rest he spent on hookers. In order to fuel his coke and hooker binge he had to tax his people heavily. This lead to horrible conditions for his people who nowhad to live without running water or electricity. Onion did not give a shit however and kept living his amazingly sexy and awesome lifestlye. LoPtUaM however, was slowly building up a force the like of which the world had never seen. They had 13000 goffers and 13,000,000 people in thier anti-Onion force. Onion on the other hand had only his many Latinas to defend himself. The day was a cold one, colder then Onion had ever seen when LoPtUaM attacked. They came crashing in throwing coke, whores, and pretty boy swag everywhere. The coke in the air caused 12,999,987 of the people in the anti-Onion Force and all of the goffers to die instantly. With only 13 people, and 2/3rds of the leaders left (Madonna is a pro at doing coke), LoPtUaM was swiftly defeated by Onion's 44 Sexy Latina bodyguards.